There’s creepy….and then there’s “creepy”….
I’ve told you about my upstairs neighbor.
The man who walks around with cement blocks strapped to his combat boots.
The man who drops his 100 pound barbell on my bedroom ceiling at 2am.
The man who vacuums his place at 11pm on a freakin’ Wednesday night.
The man who answered the door…stark naked - except for his aforementioned combat boots.
Yeah…..that upstairs neighbor.
Well - a while back I mentioned that my across the way neighber (Ms. Gloom n’ Doom) said that Naked Combat Boot Wearing Elephant Man had his MOTHER living with him.
In a ONE BEDROOM apartment……ewwwwww…….
But I’ve never confirmed that little tidbit of news.
Until now……….
The thing is - I’ve come to suspect that it’s a little more sick than previously imagined.
The noise levels have risen to new levels.
The thumping, the bumping, the tromping, the stomping…at all hours of the day AND night!
And I started getting suspicious of whatever the hell was going on above my head on a daily basis….
Okay - here’s the deal: I finally spotted the “so called Mom” of NCBWEM the other day.
I knew it was her because - well… I saw her coming and going from his apartment.
She was definitely old enough to be a grown man’s mom, and boy howdy, let me tell you — she was f’ing scary.
Scary like - just got out of rehab, had my head shaved for lice, can I bum a smoke…scary.
Seriously….. she looked like a withered up old crack whore who was jonesing for a fix. What’s worse??? She was walking her “dog”.
I say “dog” because for the first few minutes I was pretty sure it was a stuffed animal tied to a leash. The damn thing wasn’t moving! She was just dragging this hairy little carcass across the asphalt, shuffling along in her cheap flip-flops and stained wife beater t-shirt. WTF?????
Eventually, the thing finally found it’s legs and heaved itself up onto those short, stubby little knobs with a wheezing gasp that sounding like a chain smoking 90 year old breathing through a tracheotomy tube.
I shit you not!!!
It’s one of those nasty little “Shitzu” dogs that all the old people seem so freakin’ enamored with. You know the ones….cute as a button when they are puppies, but when they age they start to resemble a massive pile of fur that a cat has coughed up.
And in that instant I had a flash of insight.
OMFG!!!
This scary, withered up old prune was living above me and while she may or may not be his mom, there was no doubt that they were bumping uglies!
Oh yeah…..try getting *THAT* image out of your head! I know I can’t.
Filed under: Apartment Complex Drama
Girly…you sre twisted. And you are twisted as hell. Whats worse is that i pictured everything you wrote, and now thank to you I am going to need serious theraphy sessions. And YOU are going to fund it with all the overtime pay you are going to get.
****Woman, I don’t make this shit up! It really happens and sometimes I swear I’m in the middle of an episode of Cops! Ha! Overtime??? Girl, I’m salary. They use me and abuse me and I still get the same damn paycheck. Besides, I’m the one who needs the therapy because I’m the one who has to listen to them doing the nasty above my head! Ewwwww….!
So get this….I met the Myspace boy. I think I like. He was one of those shy and quiet guys who just sat back and stared. A bit uncomfortable. but you take obnoxious me and mix is with shy company…..well…..you get just me talking.
****WTH???? I thought you were blowing MySpace boy off after all those lengthy voicemails he left you? Girl, you are *SO* not that desperate for men, come on! Yeesh…at least tell me that *HE* paid. Where did you meet anyway? Someplace public, I’m sure. Right? Right????
Thank you for reminding me of those creepy things that convinced me to never live in an apartment again.
*shiver of horror*
***Woman, I tried getting into a house but I just couldn’t afford one on my own and I refuse to have a roommate. It’s hard to find someone who will look the other way when you are running around the house naked, with a pair of panties on your head, screaming… “I’m a Squid! I’m a Squid!”… ha..ha…ha… (seriously…I taught my ex-husbands 4 year old daughter to do that and then sent her home to mommie… the angry phone call he got from her 2 days later was *SO* worth it!)
But yeah,, Apartment living comes with it’s own special kind of drama, that’s for sure!
OMG. This steps up my house-buying obsession just that much more. This is why I ALWAYS insist on living on the top floor of whatever building I’m in!
***This all goes back to when I first looked at the place. During the day when no one was home upstairs and the leasing person absolutely *assured* me that the soundproofing here was excellent. Just one of the MANY things that she lied to me about. Granted, the lower apt. stays cooler and warmer in the summer / winter, so that’s at least something. And I have a garage that’s on the same floor so it’s very convenient for me. But yeah, at this point I’m kicking myself for NOT taking the top floor apartment. (sigh..)
is the rental market there really that bad that you would stay in this building?
***Ha.ha… you should go back into my archives and read the drama that has gone on since I first signed the lease here! The housing market it too expensive for me and of all the apartment complexes I looked at, this one wound up being the most “reasonable” with the most “ameneties” for the price(s) I was paying. Sadly, I was also in a time crunch when I had to move. If I’d had more time, I’d have done more in-depth research and realized that this place just wasn’t the best choice even with the price/amenities. Now, I’m in a one year lease that would cost me a fortune to break, plus I’ve invested A LOT of time and money into decorating this place to make it feel like a *HOME* so I’m just at the point where I try and make the best of things and laugh at the crap that goes on around me. Oh… and I’m seriously considering vacuuming my ceiling at 2 or 3am when I’m pretty sure my rude ass upstairs neighbors are asleep. That should get their attention, don’t you think? ;P
There are *some* good things, sort of. The neigbhor who shares a wall with me is pretty nice and we’ve talked about my problems. He assures me that HE never hears me when I start playing my TV really loud to combat the assholes upstairs AND he says if I ever want ..he’ll be happy to go upstairs and have a little “talk” with naked, stomping man. I thought that was pretty sweet. Hee..hee..hee…!
Eeeuuuwwww. . . that’s all I can think of to say.
****Yeah, I’ve said that a few hundred dozen times among other things… but then..I’ve got it going on ABOVE me.. I think they are at it again right now, as a matter of fact! ick! ick! ICK!!!!
Nastification.
I need a shower now. But look at it this way, at least you know its not his mom right? Right?
***Sorry babe, but I still haven’t ruled out that possibility! Even worse? I noticed the other day that they are tooling around in a new, cute, cherry red VW bug. Somehow, crack-momma and her little incesteous son rolling in such an adorabe car is just wrong…SICK and wrong… you know?
What can I say curiosity got the best of me. I had nothing better to do so I agreed to meet him for coffee. And I dont even drink coffee. Yes we met somewhere public and yes he paid. Both for my bottle of water and dinner.
***Dinner?? DINNER??? I thought you said it was just coffee… good grief woman! Do you *want* him to stalk you?? I mean, there’s attention and then there’s *ATTENTION* and that’s definitely the bad kind! ;P
Ewww…I think I threw up a little of my granola bar in my mouth.
Lunch is totally out for me now.
Thanks doll.
Keep up the posts like that and I won’t have to worry about dieting!
***Sweet! Between me and Moose we should have you puking all the time. Who needs bulimia when you have us two..
Sorry… I know it’s disturbing to you, but try having it going on above your head…then come back to me and we’ll talk. 