The Crack Whore in my Bathroom
I have a crack whore in my bathroom.
Well…that’s what it seemed like, at least.
See…..my “Bumping Uglies Upstairs Neighbors” make it impossible for me to have any peace and quiet.
I’ve tried to *not* have the TV or stereo on, but when I do that…..I have to listen to THEM and that’s just… (shudder)…ewww….
But the other night, all was quiet on the Upstairs front, so I thought “what the hell” and I shut off all the electronic equipment in my place.
Ahhhhhhh…….have you ever noticed that the “absence of noise” is comforting?
You never realize how pervasive “noise” is until you have none and the silence is soothing in it’s emptiness.
I think…..maybe…I had about a full HOUR of silence before I noticed a few thumps and bumps from my upstairs enemies. But they were minor in comparison to their “Normal” combat boot wearing crashing around so I refrained from trying to drown them out.
At one point, I noted that they had their shower running…. Yes..yes..THAT is how thin the ceiling to floor ratio is. I can actually HEAR the water of their shower falling up the floor of their tub. Can you freaking believe that????
Remember, when I FIRST moved into this apartment, I was bombarded by a constant NPR broadcast coming from the bathroom above me. It was on 24/7 and it almost drove me mad. It took a lot of complaining and confrontations on my part before the damn radio finally stopped!
But again…just the shower noise. The soft pitter patter of water droplets falling above my head. Hey…I it just so happens that I have a fondness for “pitter patter” so no problem, right? Right!
In just moments that soft pitter patter of rain drops stopped and the next thing I heard was two…count them TWO thunderous CRASHES above my head!!
Yeah….the sound of someone falling out of the shower! At least… that’s what I thought.
And then came the moaning…… and then crying……
And I thought to myself — “HOLY SHIT! The old crack whore has fallen out of the shower and can’t get up!!”
There I am….standing in my bathroom…staring up at the ceiling and wondering what the hell I should do.
Do I call the Apartment Managers? “Umm….Hi..yeah…I think the Crack Whore that lives above me has fallen down in her shower and I can hear her crying and moaning, in my bathroom.”
Hmmm….maybe not.
Do I call 911?
Shit..shit..shit…I DO NOT want to be involved in the lives of these people!!!!!!
And then…the moaning and crying changes to a whiny ass conversation….. the Crack Whore is lying on the floor, probably naked, wrinkly and scabbed up from searching for too many veins…and I think she is now having a conversation with the half-dead dog I see her dragging around all the time…..
Yeah…I’m thinking the dog is a Crack Whore too!!
What the hell is going on above my head????
The Crack Whore is still on the floor, I can hear her crying, whining and generally annoying me, but who the HELL is she talking to??
And the the noises above my head abruptly cease.
Nothing.
Zip.
Zero.
Zilch.
Nada.
Well that’s just WEIRD!!!
Is she dead? Holy shit, do I have a dead Crack Whore and half-dead Crack Dog in the bathroom above me? Ugh…..that’s gross!
Just as I’m about to pick up my cell phone and call the Leasing Office, the stomping, tromping and crashing that I’ve become accustomed to starts up above me once again.
The door opens and then slams shut and I hear the normal sounds of the Crack Whore dragging her half-dead Crack dog across the concrete walkway and down the stairs.
Hmph!!! Well..I guess that was my excitement for the day.
Time to turn on the TV.
I really need to invest in a Stereo Surround Sound System, I think.
Filed under: Apartment Complex Drama
You need to invest in some quality ear plugs.
*** I have good earplugs.. boxes of them actually. But I shouldn’t have to wear them all the time. I mean..during daylight hours? Really?? At night… I’ve defeated the noisy neighbors with the power of sound. One Fan powered on “Medium” , one noise machine set to “white noise” (sounds like a fan) on the right side of the bed and one sound machine set to “crickets” on the left side of the bed. heh..heh..heh…. It’s the most noise my bedroom has seen since I moved in. ;p
Now I’ve got Lily Allen’s LDN stuck in my head - thanks for the crack whore reference!
Your neighbors - euw. . . creepy. Starting to sound more and more like Rear Window creepy with every passing week.
***Creepy does *NOT* begin to describe it. I feel like I’ve got my own little “These are the Days of your Crack Whore Lives” soap opera, going on above me.
Hey, could have been worse, I almost put up some South Park crack whore references….. Crack Whore Magazine — Ho’s tell it like it is…. ha..ha.ha…!
I remember when I was married and we had a coop. The woman upstairs was someone I would have loved to have slept with. Never saw her, but jeez did you hear her all the time. Bedroom, living room, etc. The women like her sex and we all knew about it. But I do remember running different equipment to cover up the sounds to get some rest.
**Well…as a friend of mine would surely quote “You can be as loud as the HELL you want when you are making love.” ha..ha.ha… But seriously…. ever think about recording them and then leaving the tape on their front door? heh….heh..heh….
I just like to have some peace and quiet sometimes. It’s amazing how much we fill our lives with noise, noise, noise.. (hmmm..I hear a Grinch quote in that somewhere) and silence is often overlooked as a necessity in our lives.
“Holy shit, do I have a dead Crack Whore and half-dead Crack Dog in the bathroom above me?”
OMFG - I laughed so friggin hard here that milk squirted out of my nose….
***Whoo…HOOOO…!!!! Houston.. we have lift off. Yeah baby… my first nose squirter. Wheeeee….!!!!! Hope your monitor is okay.
ha..ha..ha..!!!
I’m with Randi - there’s a humorous pop song in this somewhere. . .
***It would have to be an 80’s style pop song I think… I can hear the catchy tune now….”Crack….Crack…Crack Whoorreee… Let’s talk about! Crack! …Crack!….Crack…Whooorre…” ha..ha.ha..
I completely understand the wishing for silence thing. You can become accustomed to noise, and it’s only when it stops that you realize how much you missed the quiet.
No, you shouldn’t have to put up with excess noise, but unfortunately that appears to be a fact of life when you live in an apartment hive … I mean, complex. The part for me that was always frustrating when I lived in apartments was that I tend to be a night owl, and had to make a conscious effort to keep things quiet so I wouldn’t bug the neighbors.
Sad that YOUR neighbors can’t be considerate.
Too bad you can’t figure out a way to bolt your speakers to the ceiling and then muffle them so that you could turn the sound all the way up and it would blast through their floors while leaving you in blissful peace. ;=)
Also a shame that you can’t get the apartment complex to either issue the crack crew citations or even evict them for disturbing the communal peace, or at least put in sound baffles to give you some peace and quiet.
***I’m still SERIOUSLY considering the speakers on the ceiling thing….. I’ve been looking at the Bose “Cinemate” Home Theater system..heh..heh..heh..and we ALL know how good Bose is.
As for my complex actually doing something.. uuuhhhh..have you been READING the crap I’ve already had to deal with?? Yeah, they are about as useful as Poopy Flavored Lolli-Pop. *giggle*
I have SOO lived through that. I would know when my neighbors were having sex, having a shower, when they had the kids for the weekend based on the little tiny feet, and best of all - when they were moving out based on the movers clomping and the boxes sliding across the floor.
No one can understand why I prefer carpet to hardwood, but it’s because it would amplify the sounds. At least carpet absorbs it a bit.
***I got spoiled by living in a house set back in the woods where NO ONE could see us and we heard nothing..for 6 years. Before that…my apartment was at the top of the complex and on the beach…so the only noise I ever heard was seagulls, surf and the occasional earthquake. ha..ha.ha.!
The sad part is — the floors ARE carpeted. So that means this stuff is already slightly muffled. Thank GOD! I can’t imagine what I’d do if they were dropping those 20 pound cinder blocks on hardwood floors above my head. Yowzers! :p
get some audio from the beginning of Apocalypse Now (ya know with Ride of the Valkyries and the choppers), plug it into a huge subwoofer and crank it up when you leave for work, either that just blast some Bjork all the time
*****Ha..ha..ha.. Bjork would drive ANYONE insane! that’s a great idea Pinky!