Prince of the Land of Stench!
This is the moment where, if you had sound, you would be hearing this:
AHHHHHOOOOOOOO!
AHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOO!
I’m about to share with you, one of the most disturbing stories of my dating life.
Those of you with weak stomachs may want to stop reading!
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
You see, there was a little “incident” the night I, Ranger and the Mysterious “D” met up at Chow Baby.
My honey, being the big, muscular carnivore that he is — feasted on 3….yes THREE…giant bowls of Mongolian BBQ and topped it off with a Asahi “Big Boy”.
Later, we were lying together on his bed watching WWE (yes…I really *do* like wrestling) and things were getting a little “heated” between us when suddenly, Ranger stops what he’s doing, grabs a pillow and throws it over BOTH of our heads!
“ummmm….babe? What are you doing?” I ask
“I’m…..giving us some privacy.” he says
“Uhhh…..privacy from WHO, the CAT?? There isn’t anyone here but us babe.”
“Just..you know.. privacy.” he repeats
huh..
Okay….it’s a bit odd, but hey, whatever right?
So we get back to the business at hand (heh..heh) and he eventually moves the pillow away.
Things are getting pretty serious, hands are roaming, lips are pressing and then he does one of those things that I like *soooooo* much and I have to come up….gasping for air!
THAT’S WHEN IT HITS ME!
I suck in a lungful of the most hideous, most foul, most gag-tastic odor I’ve even encountered.
“OH MY GOD!!!”
I exclaim before falling into a tear filled coughing fit.
Ranger looks up at me and with a sheepish grin says -
“Sorry babe. The Mongolian food got to me pretty quickly.”
My darling boyfriend had just turned into a GAS MACHINE!
I managed to cuddle with him for a few more minutes, but when the CAT threw Ranger a hateful look and finally fled the room, I knew it was time to go.
I have to admit, I was laughing like CRAZY, as I got dressed.
Poor Ranger had the most embarrassed look on his face as I dragged my pants up over my hips and tugged my shirt on over my head.
Now, before you think I was being cruel, the REASON I was laughing is because just 2 day ago, we had been discussing his Gas! Gas! Gas!!!!
I had been teasing him about his…cough…cough….intestinal combustive powers and his response had been “Well, at least they don’t stink!”
*snort!*
*giggle!*
I guess the Gods felt he (or I) needed to be punished for that little statement!!
I can’t even BEGIN to describe the putrescent smell that was emerging from my boyfriends backside but he could have easily been named “Prince of the Land of Stench” that night.
Love it! One morning really early my hubby and I were in the kitchen enjoying the quiet and the coffee. I let out a loud fart (whoops!) and then after a moment of stunned silence I laughed and then proudly proclaimed, “Boy it is so good to married and be able to fart in my own home without embarrassment!” To which my stepson yelled from the back of the house, “EWWW!” At which point I was completely and utterly mortified, but still laughing. I mean why is it okay for guys to do this in your face, but you can’t mutter even the smallest of noises???
****Oh no… as far as Ranger is concerned, I never EVER have gas. ha..ha.ha…
HEY…YOU SHARED THE NAME OF THE MYSTERIOUS “D”!!!!!
***Ummm….errrr…. no I didn’t!
I believe, if you look again, you will see clearly that I didn’t. heh..heh..heh.. (whew.. thank god for the EDIT button!)
There are three relationship stages of Farting:
1. Interested – Here the male will not let go even if his head is in danger of exploding.
2. Like – Things are going well in the relationship and he is brave enough to “accidentally” squeeze an Air Biscuit and say “Oops! Excuse me!”
3. Love – Wedding bells are just around the corner when your beloved touches off the cannon and says “Whoa! Check out THAT bad boy!” whilst distributing said abomination with elaborate hand waving.
Congrats Cinn!
***Well, actually….Ranger never hit #1 or #2, he just “let fly” and nary a word was ever said!! As for #3 — I guess I should be grateful that he at least had the grace to be sheepish about it, right? RIGHT???
Oh my gosh – that’s so gross. It’ s good that you had a sense of humor about it. I don’t know if I would. I freak out whenever my roommate farts – I hate it!
***Well…I really do think the reason I had SUCH a good humor about it is BECAUSE we had just talked about this delicate little issue 2 days before. ha.ha.ha…. Trust me, I’m not cool with him letting ‘er rip, but I try my best to understand that he *is* a man, thus he has gas.
HA! I knew that quote without even looking at the IMDB link! I LOVE DAVID BOWIE!!! He rocks in that movie!
“You remind me of the babe”
“What babe?”
“The babe with the power”
“What power?”
“The power of voodoo”
“Who do?”
“You do.”
“Do what?”
“Remind me of the babe.”
***Yeah, I figured you’d catch this one! hee..hee..
Oh, and, BTW – puppy farts stink MUUUCCCHHH worse than any man fart EVER could. Ever. Like as in EVER.
***Trust me, cat farts are pretty foul too but the ratio of my dealing with kitty farts vs. Ranger farts is like..oh…say… 1 to 50 ! Ranger is WAY more gassy that Squeaker.
ha..ha.ha..
Well the same thing happened to me once although the bomb dropper in my case wasn’t nice enough to throw a pillow over my head. It was stinktacular, to say the least. My ex-husband used to let one rip and then quickly bring the cover up over my head and trap me in it. Yeah, that might be one of the reasons we’re now divorced! lol
****Oh yeah, “Dutch Ovens” are definitely reason for divorce. How rude! How gross! Ugh!!!
What is it with men? I found out when I woke up this morning….cuddled warm in the bed…waiting for The Marine to return….I heard him in the bathroom peeing. Then all of the sudden, he farted right in mid-stream. I was laughing so hard. He asked innocently what was wrong…and i said…..you can pee and fart at the same time. He assured me he could even chew gum because he was that talented.
BTW….I have to agree. Dog farts are 1 million times worse. What makes them different is that the dog does not act like it is an accomplishment!! ~~Dee
***OH MY GOD!!! That’s hilarious Dee! And exactly right. Guys seem to take so much pride in their “propulsion powers” that they consider it to be bragging rights. I mean, I’ve NEVER met any women who have High Five’d each other after a particularly good poop, have you? But men.. oh yes, I know men who have done / still do that. Ewwwwww…….!!!!
Gross but funny. That is love…when you can pass gas in front of each other.
Thanks for your support and comments.
***You know what though Tracie… that’s not the kind of love that I want.
ha..ha.ha.. Besides, that word.. the “L” word, has NOT come up between us. Nope, the only think that has come up recently was his flatulence. *snort!*
Hang in there doll…. reach out if you need us!!
I cant wait until I am in a relationship where we are comfortable enough for that.
In college, I thought my boyfriend was going to break up with me because I farted in my sleep. It was mortifying. . and I think it has a lot to do with why I hate to share my bed.
As gross as it sounds, Im totally jealous!
****ha..ha..ha.. Babe.. Ranger farts in his sleep like you wouldn’t BELIEVE!! it’s actually the one time I don’t harass him about it because… well… you are asleep.. it’s not like you can CONTROL it! But the very fact that it can wake me up from a sound sleep…. is pretty impressive. Even funnier… the fact that he sometimes wakes HIMSELF up …. bwa..ha..ha.ha…!!!
Uhhh..don’t be jealous.. no really… don’t be!
Dog farts are the worst, man farts just can’t compare. Although they do usually make noise and tip you off while the dog just stares at you innocently as the stench wafts through.
I have been having an absolutely fabulous time wading through your blog. Talk about hilarious!
***Hi JT, welcome to my little korner of the world, glad you are enjoying it!
Well, like I said, my cat has “skunked” me before and those are really, really foul – so I can relate to the dog fart concept. ewwww…..
Of course, the problem Ranger was having that night was not only FOUL but also UNFAIR because (he admits…) he was doing the “one cheek sneak” so it was sneaking up on us. To give him credit (uhhh…I suppose) once he realized how nasty the stench was, he didn’t bother trying to hide the escape method. ha..ha.ha…
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