I’m not a porn star, but I *did* stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night!
Friday night, Ranger and I went to see “The Dark Knight“.
It was the 1am showing because he had *just* gotten off of work and good grief, was it CROWDED!
We actually had to sit almost all the way up front, which sucked, but the movie was still great.
Now, I’m sure you are wondering exactly WHAT the movie has to do with the title of this blog, right?
hee..hee..hee..
Well, it’s what happened *AFTER* the movie that is relevant.
We went back to his place and I’m quite tickled to say that Ranger made my toes curl, not once, not twice but THREE times! Suh-weet!
Here’s the deal though — you know how, in the movies, the love scenes are just so…so…perfect??
They are having this amazing, hot, sweaty sex or making love so passionately and everything fits together perfectly and they roll around and make it look so easy and flawless? Their hair is “sexily mussed” and their bodies are perfect and fit together seamlessly?
Well — I’m here to tell ya that *THAT* is not what sex/making love is like in real life.
At least — not in *MY* real life!
Nope!
MY real sex life consists of:
**elbowing Ranger in the head while shifting positions**
**Ranger inhaling my hair and choking while in the midst of his mind blowing orgasm**
**whisker burn making my face feel raw**
**teeth bumping and lips getting cut during extra passionate kisses**
**”accidental” entries (hee..hee.. yeah babe..I’m SURE you didn’t mean to! *giggle!*)**
**bodily noises!!** (nuff said)
and my LEAST favorite one –
**vigorous thrusting causing “disconnect” but not realizing it BEFORE you thrust back down** uhhhh… can we say OUCH!! That one tends to bring things to a screeching halt!
++++++++++++++++++++
How about you?
What are YOUR “unsexy little incidents” during sex? 
I still say you slipped Ranger something during the movie.
Our sex accidents? Things going a LITTLE too far into areas that they shouldn’t (and I KNOW he didn’t do it on accident) – as well as coming down on it the wrong way – that’s gotta hurt!
I was eating, Kitty! Why oh why did I read this post?
As for me, sex with my ex was actually not so messy. But that was because the man didn’t like to experiment. And doing missionary flawlessly isn’t very hard at all.
Although I will tell you – pussy farts? EMBARRASSING. I realize they shouldn’t be – I mean, it’s not a REAL fart. Still makes me blush every time, though. Damn social conditioning.
ummmmm taking Big F to the emergency room.
Peace
#2
It’s not like the movies? All my dreams have been crushed.
Stomach farts from two stomachs being pushed together.
I think all of these happened at least once, and *AND* the squirting in the eye while giving a hand job, but not my eye, his!
farting
#1
All of the above…but the sounds are often so random that have had to stop and laugh. No sex now…so I long for the random, unsexy things!
how about breaking the bed? does that count? or is that just a level of intensity … sometimes fire boy doesn’t know his own strength … and hell, i’m not gonna say stop!!
ok …. yeah i think i’ve had all those things happen, in one night, and i must agree getting shot in the eye kinda stings!
damn it! now fire boy really needs to get his sexy ass up and get over here!!
Let’s just say all of the above have occurred and a few other unromantic things as well. lol
how about having him tied with hands and legs behind the back suspended in the air . Hollering the code word but the crank on the stretching machine won’t stop, thats embarrassing and kinda puts a kink in things!!!!
ROFLMAO
Randi – I *did not* slip him anything. He’s just a caring lover. hee..hee… Ooo…I forgot the “coming down on it the wrong way” YEE-OUCH!
Pug Mom — What?? Did you spew food? Is that what you are saying? ha..ha.ha.. awww…poor little missionary man, how sad.
Oh yeah, PF’s are fairly mortifying and I usually just laugh and blame him.. I mean.. HE pushed all that air in there, right?
Sista #2 — can’t believe you BROKE your man!
Mike — seriously? dude, how could you possibly think it’s like the movies? *giggle!* ha..ha.ha.. “stomach farts” oh yeah, I know what you mean! belly button pool up with sweat and them WHAM, you suddenly have a noise maker!
Stinkypaw — Hi!! great name, by the way. Thanks for stopping by.
Bwa..ha..ha.. actually, I think HIM getting squirted in the eye is fabulous payback!
Philly — yes — but exactly WHEN did you/he fart? I mean, did he ruffle your hair while you were slobbering on him or vice-versa? hee..hee…
Tracie — yeah, laughter is always a good thing, but not always for the reasons that we have. Embarrassed laughter is a little rough.. ha.ha..
that girl — YOU BROKE A BED? That’s awesome!! Go Fire-Boy. I don’t think that one counts but it’s a riot!
Heidi — Ummm…details girl, details!! ha..ha.ha…
Queen — Wowzers girl, are you at least getting PAID for that kind of work? *snort!*
OMG!!!! The horror of the unexpected sound!!!!
LMAO
It’s been so long but I still remember….I’ve been wanting to get with this girl and we decided to sneak in a weekend at her place when her folks were out of town. I was 21 and randy for sex. She was cute and I really wanted to have sex with her. It was romantic as hell, she had candle lights, soft music and my hands were itching to rip the clothes off her. Finally I got her into the bedroom and things got hot & heavy. We were both lost and lusty that we didn’t notice that her cat had sneaked into the room and scared us both when jumped onto her butt. We laughed and in about 15 minutes were back at it.
I love messy sex…with some temporary love marks to remember the incident. I was busted in the nose once (thought I broke my nose!) during the dismount (nuf said!)….but it was definately a 10 on the Olympic Scale! I frequently have bruises and marks in passion places, but all will say is…YOU SHOULD SEE THE OTHER GUY!
~~Dee
hahaha! this sounds so amazingly familiar…this has happened to me as well, only substitute the elbow for a kneeling on his knee or thigh. i also choke on my own hair…nuf said.
This post is funny !! Thanks for the comment on my blog btw I love your opinion on it =) you totally rock.
The Keeper – yep, that seems to be the #1 offender!
Roshan — could have been worse, you didn’t mention the kitty using claws, ha..ha.ha.
Sexwywhispers – busted in the nose??? ouch!!! ha..ha.ha. “during the dismount”!!
the princess — bwa..ha.ha.. I elbowed Ranger in the thigh last night! *snort!*
maria — thanks, it’s funny in an embarrassing way, huh? thanks for stopping by, I liked YOUR post too.